History

Originally this blog was to be about the heritage that I brought to the fore. Men in skirts was to be about my Scots heritage and how my life has transitioned to what it was at the time I began the original blog.

Today I could not tell you what has happened. It all seems a blur to me now.

"Michigan seems like a dream to me now, so we bought a pack of cigarettes, we've all come to look for America"

If you had told me four years ago that I would have found a place to be all of who I am, without fear, completely vulnerable, I would have scoffed at you. If you had said that I would meet and fall head over heels for a woman that is unlike any image I might have had about the sort of woman I would choose, I'd have come undone. If you had told me even six months ago that my life would have come crashing down on around me (and the woman I love) I'd have told you that you were nuts.

And, here I sit alone, in considerable pain (emotional) and bewildered.

She said "Mafia" I replied , "Why yes, my gun is in my pocket". Days went bye that turned out to be days during which she had begun to watch for me, hoping to run into me again, having fallen apart laughing that anyone in our uptight workplace would have dared to say such a thing. I had forgotten the whole event as I said she was not the sort of woman that I would ever have found myself interested in.

Ultimately, we did meet again and we talked and talked and walked and walked and told each other all our secrets.

We fell in love. We believed that we knew all there was to know about one another, and finally in about four years, having resolved our personal issues with our partners at the time, we moved in together.

Oh my, what a time that was. Emotional, exciting, erotic, exotic, amazing, such that even the folks who would walk bye us would find themselves infected with the love and adoration we felt for one another. Those were innocent times.

We bought a home. We began a new life together. We each acted upon what we believed about the other. And suddenly we found ourselves locked in what turned out to be our death struggle.

She found a female lover. Afterall, I had told her that I supported a polyamorous relationship, so why wouldn't she proceed when confronted with this opportunity? It only made sense......... didn't it??

It turned out though that theory and practice are two vastly different things. I had no idea. I was not prepared. I did not mean for this to be such a struggle. I was also, at the same time, exploring my own gender issues and finally confronting my own gender transformation issues and was confused, anxious, and bewildered by all of that. My Physician, the one I had chosen to guide me through this process, even went so far as to say that I may develop my own breasts. Talk about men in skirts!! I was high with the possibilities.

Comes now a disaster.

BREAST CANCER!! What cruel joke is this? Breast cancer? A man? Aren't the chances of that like 0.005% he asked in incredulity? How can this be? Breast cancer before I even have breasts???

All that and add to that a heart attack three days after a double mastectomy ... a double mastectomy? A man?? How can this be??

And here we are. Failed in our attempt at the single most amazing relationship that both of us held in absolute awe and utter disbelief.

I believe that both of us had given up on any notion that we may be so blessed. But blessed we were ......... until I could not deal with all the stress and began to act like an ass.

Oh, would that I could take back the words, would that I could erase the images of my face contorted in what appreared to be rage. And we have failed and I for one am devastated. I believe she is also, but right now she is so damned angry at me that even if she wanted to admit that it hurts, it would choke her to say the words.

So, in a nutshell that is where we begin. That was hard enough. I failed my love. I cannot forgive myself for that at this time. Perhaps one day in the future, but today I cannot. I cannot blame her. I acted badly and failed to live up to my stated beliefs leaving her bewildered, confused, and frightened half to death with my rants. My God have mercy on us.

Let us continue now to look at what it means to be here. Next post.