Saturday, August 16, 2008

60 years and a day

Once again, I am not certain what to say or even whether I have anything to say.

Yesterday might well have been the hardest day I can recall spending.

Across town lays a veritable paradise that once held me and her, and from which I have fallen.

I think of the plans, the things we accomplished, the garden (are the beans accepting her, do they understand her attire, boots, corset, flogger, all in the name of training them to do as she expects and make her proud), are the roses blooming still, are the herbs flourishing. I wonder, how is that wonderful feline that we rescued. What would it have been like if we had actually purchased that amazing wooden tub we looked at the very day before I fell from paradise. It would surely have been a chore to install, but oh the wonder of having done it, and us being able to stand back as it filled and say "we did that." What of the beautiful partially completed altar? That really bothers me, as I felt so compelled to complete that and make it absolutely stunning for my Lillie, and for the sacred times that we surely would have found once again if we had gotten past the awful sturm and drang. Art would be comfortable there and it would have pleased me and warmed me through my core to look at what we had created as I went up or down that staircase.

Still miss the help I had in learning where to put these damn commas.

And, it is true that living here alone has been a learning tool for me that I surely needed. I have begun to realise just how OK I am in my own skin, and how I really didn't need to hang so tightly on Lil. I wonder, if I had found this center in me before??

I look back and I do understand why I hung on her. I recall all too well how terriying it was to be in my body with all the schtuff that was happening in my heart, body, soul, and in our life style. Too much, too soon, and with too many other stressors going on all at once. I needed more than she could give and I regret that.

Would that we had been more able to rise above the noise and communicate better. She said it herself, "we aren't communicating and we can't do this alone." (I do learn though and I understand that the quotations go outside the period ending the sentence now) So what kept us from aggressively going out to find that help? It was worth it! It still is!

My grandad used to say "Vee get too soon oldt and too late schmart." I don't feel that old YET!!

Birthday was actually nice. Yes I would have preferred what surely would have been a wonderful, fun birthday party which I'm pretty sure Lil was planning. But I learn. I learn.

Friday, August 15, 2008

60 Years

Not much to say tonight other than to wish myself a very happy 60th birthday. Spent the day doing not a whole lot of anything. Took myself out for dinner at Casa Mia and read the latest novel I have on my list.

Currently reading Sarah Dunant and at the moment about half way through "In the Company of the Courtesan" Wonderful read, and I am anxious to read most of her other novels, beginning with "The Birth of Venus".

I miss the hell out of the life I had up until July 7th and I just cannot believe the depth and breadth of the pain that has found what at the moment feels like a permanent mooring in my being. All I can do is to hope that with time it will lessen and allow me to live a little more normal existence. For now, there is naught else to do but live with it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

History

Originally this blog was to be about the heritage that I brought to the fore. Men in skirts was to be about my Scots heritage and how my life has transitioned to what it was at the time I began the original blog.

Today I could not tell you what has happened. It all seems a blur to me now.

"Michigan seems like a dream to me now, so we bought a pack of cigarettes, we've all come to look for America"

If you had told me four years ago that I would have found a place to be all of who I am, without fear, completely vulnerable, I would have scoffed at you. If you had said that I would meet and fall head over heels for a woman that is unlike any image I might have had about the sort of woman I would choose, I'd have come undone. If you had told me even six months ago that my life would have come crashing down on around me (and the woman I love) I'd have told you that you were nuts.

And, here I sit alone, in considerable pain (emotional) and bewildered.

She said "Mafia" I replied , "Why yes, my gun is in my pocket". Days went bye that turned out to be days during which she had begun to watch for me, hoping to run into me again, having fallen apart laughing that anyone in our uptight workplace would have dared to say such a thing. I had forgotten the whole event as I said she was not the sort of woman that I would ever have found myself interested in.

Ultimately, we did meet again and we talked and talked and walked and walked and told each other all our secrets.

We fell in love. We believed that we knew all there was to know about one another, and finally in about four years, having resolved our personal issues with our partners at the time, we moved in together.

Oh my, what a time that was. Emotional, exciting, erotic, exotic, amazing, such that even the folks who would walk bye us would find themselves infected with the love and adoration we felt for one another. Those were innocent times.

We bought a home. We began a new life together. We each acted upon what we believed about the other. And suddenly we found ourselves locked in what turned out to be our death struggle.

She found a female lover. Afterall, I had told her that I supported a polyamorous relationship, so why wouldn't she proceed when confronted with this opportunity? It only made sense......... didn't it??

It turned out though that theory and practice are two vastly different things. I had no idea. I was not prepared. I did not mean for this to be such a struggle. I was also, at the same time, exploring my own gender issues and finally confronting my own gender transformation issues and was confused, anxious, and bewildered by all of that. My Physician, the one I had chosen to guide me through this process, even went so far as to say that I may develop my own breasts. Talk about men in skirts!! I was high with the possibilities.

Comes now a disaster.

BREAST CANCER!! What cruel joke is this? Breast cancer? A man? Aren't the chances of that like 0.005% he asked in incredulity? How can this be? Breast cancer before I even have breasts???

All that and add to that a heart attack three days after a double mastectomy ... a double mastectomy? A man?? How can this be??

And here we are. Failed in our attempt at the single most amazing relationship that both of us held in absolute awe and utter disbelief.

I believe that both of us had given up on any notion that we may be so blessed. But blessed we were ......... until I could not deal with all the stress and began to act like an ass.

Oh, would that I could take back the words, would that I could erase the images of my face contorted in what appreared to be rage. And we have failed and I for one am devastated. I believe she is also, but right now she is so damned angry at me that even if she wanted to admit that it hurts, it would choke her to say the words.

So, in a nutshell that is where we begin. That was hard enough. I failed my love. I cannot forgive myself for that at this time. Perhaps one day in the future, but today I cannot. I cannot blame her. I acted badly and failed to live up to my stated beliefs leaving her bewildered, confused, and frightened half to death with my rants. My God have mercy on us.

Let us continue now to look at what it means to be here. Next post.

In Memorium

I find that I have no choice but to chronicle the processes I have gone through over the last several months. I deleted a blog that had become ridiculous and embarassing to both myself and the anonymous woman to whom, or perhaps that ought to be 'at whom' I was directing my comments.

This blog will not go there. It will however, be a place where I can write for comprehension and perhaps get some feedback assuming anyone reads these things.

Bear with me. I don't quite know how to begin or where it will take us.