60 years and a day

Once again, I am not certain what to say or even whether I have anything to say.

Yesterday might well have been the hardest day I can recall spending.

Across town lays a veritable paradise that once held me and her, and from which I have fallen.

I think of the plans, the things we accomplished, the garden (are the beans accepting her, do they understand her attire, boots, corset, flogger, all in the name of training them to do as she expects and make her proud), are the roses blooming still, are the herbs flourishing. I wonder, how is that wonderful feline that we rescued. What would it have been like if we had actually purchased that amazing wooden tub we looked at the very day before I fell from paradise. It would surely have been a chore to install, but oh the wonder of having done it, and us being able to stand back as it filled and say "we did that." What of the beautiful partially completed altar? That really bothers me, as I felt so compelled to complete that and make it absolutely stunning for my Lillie, and for the sacred times that we surely would have found once again if we had gotten past the awful sturm and drang. Art would be comfortable there and it would have pleased me and warmed me through my core to look at what we had created as I went up or down that staircase.

Still miss the help I had in learning where to put these damn commas.

And, it is true that living here alone has been a learning tool for me that I surely needed. I have begun to realise just how OK I am in my own skin, and how I really didn't need to hang so tightly on Lil. I wonder, if I had found this center in me before??

I look back and I do understand why I hung on her. I recall all too well how terriying it was to be in my body with all the schtuff that was happening in my heart, body, soul, and in our life style. Too much, too soon, and with too many other stressors going on all at once. I needed more than she could give and I regret that.

Would that we had been more able to rise above the noise and communicate better. She said it herself, "we aren't communicating and we can't do this alone." (I do learn though and I understand that the quotations go outside the period ending the sentence now) So what kept us from aggressively going out to find that help? It was worth it! It still is!

My grandad used to say "Vee get too soon oldt and too late schmart." I don't feel that old YET!!

Birthday was actually nice. Yes I would have preferred what surely would have been a wonderful, fun birthday party which I'm pretty sure Lil was planning. But I learn. I learn.